Thoughts

I’ve been thinking a lot recently. Therapy really is bringing things to the surface that i’ve blocked out. But today i got thinking of my parents. Why do they ignore my mental health? Why don’t they want to help me? Why don’t they reach out and ask how i am? Why don’t they reply back when i give them a window of opportunity after mentioning something regarding my mental health before them quickly changing the subject? Why at 9 and 13 years old was my letter of depressive feelings ignored and not acknowledged? 

I no longe get down at the fact they dont make effort or show to care. She also isn’t a trigger to me anymore. I keep my distance and only visit for the kids and have accepted it is what it is. They are who they are because of what they went through growing up. They didn’t want to change what they went through to make it better for us kids, they let it damage us, i let it damage me. 

But i wont anymore. My children need me to be my best. So that i sha’ll try and be 😊

Laughter is the best medicine

I work with 2 absolute nutters, them 2 would happen to be my cousins. I’ve nicknamed them twit and twat. They bounce off each other and have us all in fits of laughter. They certainly cheered me up after been an angry hot head at the fella im working with 😑

Another good day, mainly because of twit and twat. They aren’t just family they are great friends also, always there for each other when 1 or the other is down. We call ourself the depression club because we all suffer in different ways. Glad to be back at work and busy with good people around me. 

Thought quite a lot today about me and simon. I realised just how much he is my soul mate & i actually want him for life. I honestly would be lost without him and it scares me and get anxious thinking of all the things that could go wrong. Im trying not to worry and just think of the now because my family right now are everything ❤

My happy place

Today we went exploring Victoria’s cave, & i thought whilst we are in Malham why not visit Janet’s foss. It looked absolutely amazing today. The colour, how peaceful the water sounded and how slowly it was flowing by. We could cross the stones onto the other side, its truly a beautiful place. I could sit there all day.

I most definately cannot wait to go on a warm day and go for a swim. It’s a place you have to visit to appreciate the true beauty! This is my real anti depressant, being outdoors with my loved ones ❤

Why me?

I’ve figured i’m the odd 1 out, the little black sheep with feelings. 

Tried talking to my sister in regards of my dad being an alcaholic & asking how she felt about it growing up. Of course it didn’t bother her. She mentioned all the good stuff he did for us like i was wrong for feeling how i do. Of course my dad is amazing and always was. Protected us, showed us the way of life and taught us respect. But i’m wrong for feeling how i do. 

UPDATE

We carried on talking and figured we both feel different ways. She had problems with my mum, where i was affected by them both. We have agreed though im too intouch with my emotions 😑

19th July

Been a busy day today, had my hair pampered then to visit rikardo and catherine. 

I always feel a bit down and deflated after therapy, but i was feeling emotional anyway. Bringing up so much from the past and putting the pieces of the puzzle together; its starting to make sense of why i do/feel/think/say the things i do. I aren’t going to focus on the down feeling because it’s good that these are coming out and i’m progressing forward. She said some things that gave me some ideas to put into my wellness book. I am lucky to have the support i am getting from them both and others around me. 

Me and Lucas having a little alone time. He asked to lay and cuddle up to me and allowed me to play with his hair. It was fun whilst it lasted, as expected the tantrums soon began 😂

Had a little play with Poppy, shes such a nutter 😂 trying to lick my tongue and doing her cheeky laugh. She’s so mean to insects and dolls, shows them a bit of love then throws them or tries to kill them 😂 She’s definately got her dads michievous side to her.

Going to have some time with Simon, see how we get on at communicating as i feel i’ve neglected him in all of this with me. I need to start letting my guard down and show him i appreciate everything he does and for even sticking by me through it all! He’s a gem ❤ Not to mention he’s going to get us steak and rice from the steak bus 😁