It pains me to keep going when i just want out 😒 why did i have children, i couldve ended it a long time ago. I want to end my pain 😒

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I cant seem to write how i feel into words. Its just not coming out. Maybe i’ll try write it down on paper as it’s such a sensitive subject. 

I’ve been thinking and i’ve figured out my purpose in life! when im not tired ill update on it 😁

On the up

Still goint upwards. Besides feeling tired constantly i’ve had the motivation to blitz the room & kitchen. Now onto the bedrooms, get some organisation in this place, feel some positive vibes to keep me going 😁

I couldn’t be any more greatful than i already am for my MH team. Very supportive, i literally cannot complain. My therapist is amazing! She’s helped me open my eyes so much to everything. I still self blame but not on the levels that i used to, which is still a working progress to try get my feelings to match the thoughts. 

Im glad simon comes along, its really helped him learn to understand me and he’s ever so supportive now, more than he was before ❀

My mum wants to come 😐 me and catherine decided maybe in a few weeks as im doing okay so far but dont want tipping back if it didn’t go well, so the best way is to keep working at myself until im strong and confident enough to take the challenge on and see where we get to. 

Thoughts

I’ve been thinking a lot recently. Therapy really is bringing things to the surface that i’ve blocked out. But today i got thinking of my parents. Why do they ignore my mental health? Why don’t they want to help me? Why don’t they reach out and ask how i am? Why don’t they reply back when i give them a window of opportunity after mentioning something regarding my mental health before them quickly changing the subject? Why at 9 and 13 years old was my letter of depressive feelings ignored and not acknowledged? 

I no longe get down at the fact they dont make effort or show to care. She also isn’t a trigger to me anymore. I keep my distance and only visit for the kids and have accepted it is what it is. They are who they are because of what they went through growing up. They didn’t want to change what they went through to make it better for us kids, they let it damage us, i let it damage me. 

But i wont anymore. My children need me to be my best. So that i sha’ll try and be 😊

Not the wisest of decisionsΒ 

Todays mood……HUNGOVER! feel like utter dog shit. Made effort to go out with the kids. Been a steady weekend staying local. I decided to make a rubbish decision and go out…resulting in me strolling in at 5.30 am 😣. 

Suprise suprise because im hungover it must mean i’ve been taking drugs according to simon because i do them all the time πŸ˜₯

I’ve little patience with simon today. On his arse on his phone is all i can see. Ask for help within the house and i get nothing or ‘oh i forgot’. I wont bother asking i’ll just wipe his arse too.